Saturday Night Live is celebrating its 50^th birthday this weekend.  50.  And I am ready to kick, stretch…and kick!  It’s 50! 50 years old.  

Being only slightly older than 50, I can’t say that I remember watching the early seasons when they originally aired, but as I got a little older I do remember my older cousins talking about the Blues Brothers, the Bees, Roseanne Rosannadanna, and Nick the Lounge Singer (“…if they could bar wars, please let these star wars…sta-ay.” You’re welcome.) 

So by the time I figured out what they were talking about, I learned that I was not allowed to stay up that late, despite the temper tantrum I threw on a regular basis. My parents never really got SNL. My mother was apathetic, and my father, usually a funny man, thought it was silly and sophomoric.  So I added it to the list of things I felt I was deprived of as a tween and teen, which was mostly cable.  Now I ask you.  How does an 80s girl grow up without MTV?  It was borderline inhumane. 

But anyway, we still had channel 4, and one magical Saturday night my parents had company and I managed to stay up long enough to see something called “Gumby’s Christmas Special – Merry Christmas, Dammit!” Gumby hung Sammy Davis Jr’s glass eye on the tree, and my love of sketch comedy was born. It would take a while before my family got a VCR, but let’s just say those tapes are still in my basement somewhere. 

Understand I’m a full blown SNL nerd.  Not like some of these freaks I’ve found on the internet, but I can hold my own. I can promise you I knew who Tina Fey was before you did.  Do you remember “The New Show”? I do. What about Brynn Hartman’s earring? Yes, I know about it. Do you see that boulder over there? I want you to lift it. 

During my senior year of college, I wrote a thesis on the cultural implications of Weekend Update. Really – it was amazing. I drove my roommates crazy doing “research”, which basically translated into me sitting around eating ramen and watching reruns with a notebook. I may have passed out there a few times, but water under the bridge. But hey, if they’re making fun of you on SNL then you must have made some kind of impact, good or bad.  It took me about a week to print out that behemoth on Chris’s equally huge dot matrix printer, but I did get an A and a note from my professor that I should consider going into TV analysis or something like that. I promptly ignored it, because I knew right there and then that soon Lorne Michaels would be my boss and I’d be the head writer of SNL before I turned 30. 

So… that didn’t exactly work out the way I had planned.  I didn’t realize at the time that when they were handing out lives, Tina Fey got the one I was supposed to have and that is the only logical explanation to that. But this is a birthday party, so back to the celebration!

Every August, I would send in my postcard with the hopes I could get tickets to my show.  You can imagine the squeals when my mother called me at school, informing me that I had received a letter from NBC with tickets to an SNL dress rehearsal. 

The beauty of SNL is that the most unfunny, lame, pathetic sketch is hilarious if the next day you’re laughing about it with your friend. If you’re lucky like me, you have a Kathleen who appreciates all of your references and voices and lingo.  

Naturally, Kathleen and I headed to the dress rehearsal and I was happy like a little girrrrrrl.  I considered it even better than a live show because you could see all the things that went into the production.  We saw sketches that never made it to air. We saw Lorne.  And I got to sit next to Chris Farley’s mom.  It was my Mecca disguised as Studio 8H. (Fun Fact: because we got on NBC’s mailing list, a year later two tickets to the first season of “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” arrived.)  

I get that not everyone shares my affection for the 11:30pm happy space. Sometimes I don’t. I often wonder what people outside the Tri-State area think, as New York is really like a cast member.  Can you really appreciate “Bodega Bathroom” or “Airport Sushi” if you’ve never been to the city? Inevitably, every new season brings an article predicting SNL’s demise, probably using the phrase Saturday Night Dead or something tired like that.  Don’t tell anyone, but I sometimes find myself saying how I would have ended a particular scene, or how it would have been funnier if they had done x,y,z… to anyone who is listening, which is usually no one. I always get why something is supposed to be funny, even if I’m not laughing.  Except for this one Easter sketch with Michael Keaton, which makes our friend Dennis fall to his knees.  I’ll let him have that one. He’s made me watch a million times and I have not laughed once.  

Now here comes the part you’ve probably been waiting for – the best of SNL!  I assembled a crack team of 3 people to provide the best in the following categories.  Because I realize the near impossible nature of the task, I allowed 2 choices for each. 

BEST SKETCH

Kathleen voted for “Celebrity Jeopardy”, “Diner Lobster”, “Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood”, or “What’s Up With That.”  Clearly, she can’t follow the rules, but these are hard to argue with. She then had to text me in the middle of the night to add “Synchronized Swimming”, “Woodrow”, “The Chris Farley Show”, “Alien Invasion”, “Barry Gibb Talk Show”, “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet” and “More Cowbell”. Fine.

Dennis voted for the aforementioned Michael Keaton Easter sketch, which is unfunny and I’m vetoing it. 

No, the best sketches are sadly unfortunately not always available online. They are “The Bennett Brothers Christmas,” “The Nude House of Wacky People”, and the one that makes me laugh uncontrollably no matter what kind of trauma I’m suffering is “The Coconut Bangers Ball – It’s A Rap!” Look it up.  I best not post it here.  

BEST WEEKEND UPDATE HOST

Kathleen came in with solid choices: Norm MacDonald, Dennis Miller, and Tina and Amy.  (Remember I only said TWO.). Dennis votes Norm. 

Correct choice: Dennis Miller, with Norm at a close second. 

BEST COMMERCIAL PARODY

Kathleen weighed in with a confident “Schmitt’s Gay” and “Annuale.”  I bullied Dennis into voting for “Dissing Your Dog” and “Old Glory Insurance” and then he threw in a last-minute “Totino’s (the one with Kristin Stewart.)”. 

I wouldn’t argue with any of those, but “Compulsion by Calvin Kleen” and “Amazon Echo Silver” would win here.   O-dessa!

BEST MUSICAL GUEST

Kathleen was unable to pick a musical guest.  Dennis says St. Vincent and Nirvana. I had to think about this one for a while.  U2 was great. Adele. Miley Cyrus was good. Elvis Costello. We were lucky enough to see Annie Lennox.  But after careful thought I choose Maneskin, because it was their performance that turned me into a crazed fan.  It went a little something like this. 

Sunday morning, January 23, 2022. I can’t say in good conscience that I always watch the musical guest because I am old and I usually don’t know who it is. But this particular morning, I must have been reading and not paying attention and happened to look up at the screen the most beautiful face I have seen in a long time. I immediately text my friend Sam, who never gets any of my references and I don’t think has ever seen an SNL from beginning to end, and ask her if I’m too old to be in love with this group.  And thus I go down yet another road of obsessed fandom because I need that.   

BEST MUSICAL PARODY

I cannot count the numbers of hours off my life that I’ve lost to watching the musical parodies.  Did I ever see “Game of Thrones?” No, but I’ve seen “Throw it on the Ground” about a million times.  The Lonely Island guys brought a new level of hilarity here, but my favorite moment occurred on Saturday, December 21, 2013. (I don’t normally know air dates. Note I had to look this up, lest you think I might have too much time on my hands.)

I had just stopped working, having been unceremoniously laid off six months after returning from cancer treatment.  I was feeling a little low and was home all by myself when the SNL gods sent me “(Do It On My) Twin Bed.” I mean, that thing is magical. And if you search under “J” on my tv, the first selection will always, always, be “Jamarcus Brothers”. I’m going to listen inside your butt. 

Dennis voted for “Jizz in My Pants”, natch.  Kathleen went with “(Do It On My) Twin Bed” and the Ebony and Ivory sketch featuring Stevie Wonder and Frank Sinatra. I’ll approve. But I’m kind of surprised she didn’t include “Come Back, Barack.”  I mean, it’s kind of like Sophie’s Choice. 

Soon, I’ll park myself in my recliner with a few well-chosen snacks and watch the SNL 50^th anniversary special for 4 hours. I’ll be as happy as a little girl. Girl…GIRL!

Happy Birthday, SNL. Thank you for all the giggles. Up and down the sidewalk, take a doo-doo pie, I love you.